Not Simon’s cat*

If you are considering buying a cat you may wish to look away.

It started at 0215hrs, oh how I hoped for it to only last for a couple of minutes, it often does now but it didn’t in the early days – it would go on for a long time back then.

I felt my finger being licked, I groan  ‘oh please stop and go to sleep’ but no it carried on, after what was considered too long with no response from me my darling cat, Cass, started to chew my fingers, I tried to hide them under the duvet, she started to nudge the duvet off me – I pulled it tight around my neck.

She upped the anti, as I was lying on my back she moved to killer position of sitting on my chest so as to breath tuna fumes over me – I like tuna – she put her paw out to touch my nose, ‘awwww’ I hear you saying ‘how sweet’, it could be seen that way up until the point that she slides the claws into my nose, but only ever so gently you understand.

I swear at her, she doesn’t like that.  She goes to lie on the bottom of the bed ‘oh bliss’ thinks I ‘it is over’.  It is never over until the fat cat says so!!

She moves to the floor and starts opening drawers (yes she does have thumbs!) and I hear my socks getting pulled out, she knows I hate cat hairs on my socks – and when she starts to open the bras and pants drawer I have to admit defeat, it is so horrid having cat hairs in your bra and pants.

I get up – noticing the time is now 0345hrs – she is nothing if not persistent.

I pinball my way down the landing, stairs and kitchen to her feeding station, one has to assume all this needing my attention would be because she is starving to death and is trying to save herself – but no oh no no no – there is still food in her bowl.  In fact, she gets to it before I do and starts munching.  I smile sweetly at her and start pinballing back up the stairs to bed – oh bliss, please let sleep come back to me quickly.

Before I make it to the bedroom I hear the cat flap – yaaaay she has gone out!  Nope, oh no no no, she clacks it, she bangs it, she clacks some more, I return to ‘attention-giving position’ by her side and check that the cat flap is in working order.  The cat flap is, indeed, in working order.

I smile sweetly at her again and just for a brief moment I consider opening the door and attempting a Jonny Wilkinsonesq drop goal – I, of course, don’t but I do find myself wondering what my pal, Mitch, (he really doesn’t like cats, I knooow, can you imagine not liking cat!) would do in my situation.

Off to bed I go and she really does go out this time.  Sleep will come now for sure – what’s that sweet sound I hear, oh my it’s the birds singing!

Move to later into the day, after several cups of coffee to awaken me and guide me through the day – I go into the sitting room and there she is – Cass – sleeping soundly.  Oh how sweet she looks, don’t you agree.

So, what should I do – smile sweetly (again!) and leave the bedroom quietly or…….

*if you haven’t seen Simon’s cat YouTube it

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